‘Lead me where my trust is without borders/Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me/Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander/And my faith will be made stronger/In the presence of my Savior.’
What if He is leading you into spiritual warfare? I’m currently sitting at my keyboard, my heart on my sleeve, asking myself ‘is this where am I supposed to be?’
It’s no secret being away from my family and friends is very hard for me. Not only that, my job is one of the most stressful jobs you can have. I work at a local news station as a newscast director and editor.
When I took this job a little more than a year ago:
I was expecting to continue my great grandfather’s legacy and take my first steps into the broadcast media world.
I was expecting to hone in my passion for live television and get to do what I love for a paycheck.
I was expecting to get high off of the adrenaline of breaking news and by directing high quality shows that I would be proud of.
What I didn’t expect was the spiritual warfare and brokenness I would have to endure.
I see pure evil come across my computer screen on a daily…hourly… basis. My heart sinks as I watch the victims from the Parkland shooting break away from the schools into arms of first responders. My heart breaks as I hear the shots ring out and hear the screams from the victims of the Las Vegas shooting as they run for their lives. I look into the eyes of those responsible as I edit their ‘perp walks’ as if the video of them being taken into custody is supposed to console the hurting hearts across the nation who were affected. I feel darkness’ presence like a boa constrictor attacking me directly. I can’t help but hurt. I can’t help but be human. I can’t help but question ‘is this where I’m supposed to be?’
‘Lead me where my trust is without borders/Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.
I can’t even count the times that I’ve heard songs and sang those as prayers to God because they had the words that I couldn’t figure out in my heart.
Oceans by Hillsong was by far one of my favorites because at that time I, like most college students, had NO IDEA what they were going to do after school. Pestered by random acquaintances asking ‘What’s your plan for after graduation?’ It took all of my strength to say well, it’s not my plan it’s HIS plan. Needless to say I’m sure they wouldn’t ask me anymore ha.
As most people do, I’ve felt like I’ve had many callings in life. As a child I wanted to be a teacher then as a high schooler, I decided the only reason I wanted to even go to college was because a college degree was a requirement to join the Peace Corps. When I got to college things changed again. Originally majoring in Journalism but switching to Media Studies and Production and after a long story is how I got here.
‘Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander/And my faith will be made stronger/In the presence of my Savior’
Being real, as I always am, in my Google Drive this post is titled ‘Oceans Word Vomit.’ I sat down at my desk for some designated blog time and put on my Blog Inspo playlist on Spotify and all my emotions hit me like a freight train. As I was letting my heart worship I was ugly crying and typing a million words a minute to hopefully capture the raw emotional feelings that I was experiencing.
(Sidenote: I’m a stuffer. I push all my emotions down until one day I finally erupt. Maybe it’s over something big or maybe it’s during Monster’s Inc. You never know haha.)
Then, Oceans came on. I felt an overwhelming peace. I remembered all the times I’ve prayed this song and realized that God was answering me. My deepest heart’s desire was to grow in him, to become strong in my faith, and to be willing to go wherever he would call.
After I made the realization of His answer, He spoke to me. A song by Sarah Reeves came on even though it was a ‘set playlist.’ I’ve never heard it before.
If I’m a target for the enemy
Then it means I’m where I’m supposed to be
There’s a war that’s raging over me
But I know the One who holds… the victory
Those simple words set my heart on fire! While I was battling this ‘quarter life identity crisis,’ I realized I wasn’t putting my whole identity in Him. Relying on my own strength rather than resting in His. In Matthew 11:28-30 it says:
“28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
By going through this spiritual warfare, I am being tested and tried just as Jesus was. He is teaching me to rely on him even when the wind howls and the ground shakes. He is equipping me for the future. I prayed FOR this season, even if it took me a long time to realize it. I’m excited to see where it will take me and I rest assured in the fact He isn’t done yet. All I can say is “bring it on” because, if I’m a target for the enemy, then this is where I’m supposed to be.